"IT'S A JENNIE THING"

I was just thinking-I know, not again")-

I find it interesting how easy it is for people, especially those who are supposed to be close to me, to believe negative things about me.  And then to find out they thought something awful of me and I never knew is even more horrible. And when it is finally told to me in whatever context, it's something that isn't even true or never happened or was turned into something it never was.

  I find myself often, well before the "Alkatraz Jennie boundary thing", in an argument with someone that they are arguing with themselves.  What I mean is that, I can talk about something and it can be simple or not even about anything and then 15 minutes later, someone is yelling at me saying that I've done or said something that never even came close to happening and I'm begging for "chillness" going "But that didn't happen, I never said that, I never asked for anything close to that...."  It seems to me that it is targeted to me and I'm on the floor in the fetal position thinking the only other thing I could have done is to not say anything at all,  no matter how harmless anyone should think it is.
  "I painted my living room purple" can lead to me being a psycho, week, needy, pathetic, white trash bitch that tries to control everyone and ends up deserving punishment (usually by way of isolation or using others that I love).
   This all brings me to what I'm really thinking (more about the other later). What I was really wondering is why I still feel the need to protect these people. These people that have caused me incredible torturous pain, that I have fought to be with and begged to be loved by, and don't even see nor feel any remorse for anything they may have done.  It's frustrating that they just get to go about their lives and not even have to feel a little guilt for what they've done, because it to them can always be justified with some lame excuse like...well I'm not gonna say right now (because I do still protect and defend them).  Several have even told me things that were horrible about other innocent people that think they actually mean something to them and they've just destroyed behind their backs. 
   So you see, I could destroy them, all of them.  They've done some really horrible things and not just to me, but things that just aren't acceptable, are fake, are hateful, are hurtful, are neglectful, hippocritical and just plain cruel.  I choose not to.  I sit back and wait and hope that someday each will come to me and admit what they did to hurt me and to show remorse for those things and maybe even apologize and tell me they love me. I wonder when it's going to feel OK in my heart to accept that that will never happen.
  So gonna do a little praying now and writing tomorrow cuz I wanna tell my stories and Joe's stories and Joey's stories...there are just so many things I want to share and I feel ill with the thought that they may just disappear someday, when who knows what could have happened if I turned them out.  ")

I would be honored if you subscribed, well if you can, not sure how, I'll figure that out later ")

PEACE, SMOOCHIES AND SPARKLY HAPPY SPRINKLES!!!
Jen

UMMM, FAMILY, REALLY?

Hi Hi, I was thinkin this AM that I need to post a mini Jennie blog entry. I find that most of the time the things I want to say take up quite a bit more than the allowed number of characters in pretty much any of the social networks, and yep, I talk like that too. That's why I talk so fast, gotta lot to say ")




I think I'm doing better now with the whole big time family boundaries thing. It has definitely helped me see things and some of them suck and some are great, I just wish more people knew.



I still want my family to be a family. The things that have changed, everyone seems to think is some kind of "take care of yourself" power thing. Who are you supposed to be able to ask for help? OOPS, getting off track a little.



I do find it interesting how a bunch of kids from the same family can have such different ideas about what family is supposed to be when we get older, which for me created a lost cause, heart and soul battle.



I see them all around me and it seems they would rather have "family" there as warm bodies to give us fake kudos and a false security and not as "family". The thing that really sucks is that there seems to be some pride received for acting like a "family" is supposed to, no matter what's really in your heart and head. I can't stand hypocrisy and dishonesty, fakeness and behind the back stuff. I finally got to the truth, I don't think it would have hurt so bad had no one been acting like "family" that I knew wasn't the real feeling. Then I was chasstized for feeling like we are missing the "family" part only to find out that I was correct about what was missing and what I wanted so badly to be there.



I want my family....badly, but what is it that I want and is it even possible to find it again. I mean what am I missing now-before there was real stuff there, now, it's been pretty much all heartbreak, getting in trouble, getting judged, not doing things right, getting looked down upon, watching my family turn into "family" robots and lose all the real meaning. The worst part is the pride of being able to be mean and selfish and uncaring and rude and dishonest and hurtful and to not even have to look back and say "well maybe I was hurtful". What we get is that we are just supposed to accept it all as our fate and what we deserve. That's really the only way to create harmony isn't it?



So the choice is-lose my family or act like the Lawson robot and accept the heartbreak and keep it under wraps cuz no one wants to deal with it...maintain the appearance or I step back I grieve for the loss of my family and hope that in the future that they wil remember and feel and see and I will get the "family" I've been fighting for for so long.



I deal with a lot of "lost cause" stuff and I'm hard headed about letting it go but the last thing that I didn't wanna let go of that was my family. How can we just not mean anything to each other. I will never get it and I can't be superficial and fake just to make it look like I'm a good family member. I'm so sad that the feelings aren't there cuz they can be so wonderful and comforting and keep us going when we can't. I know this because I have people that have become my family. A best friend that is my soulmate and a family that I know cares and loves and doesn't expect anything in return. They are almost 3 hours away and they don't have to be "family", they don't have to keep up the appearance of giving a crap about me, they chose to.



I'm so sad for what my family is missing and that they can't see or are blind to the damage that they can and do, do. In some ways I wish I was the same cuz then I wouldn't be hurt and I'd never miss them, but that's not me. I do care and I do love and I do give and all I want in return is comfort and security and "family".



It's early, I'll try to clarify this a little better later, I was hoping blogging it would give it words for me but now I'm overthinking, which has gotta suck for anyone reading this.



Please remember, we DO create feelings in others, we DO have the power to destroy them, we DO need more than just ourselves, we DO need to do things with love for others, words and opinions DO hurt....especially when you find out that what you hoped was there, just isn't gonna be.



I'm OK though, just a lot of thinkin' ")



PEACE, SMOOCHIES AND SPARKLY HAPPY SPRINKLES ")

JOEY SANG FOR ME

JOEY DECK THE HALLS
go here for the audio, it's awesomeness
www.jenboops.com/blog




There haven't been many times I've been so proud as I was, well...ok-I'm proud all the time...anyway.



The night before my 4 year old autistic son's father died, he said his ABCs for him for the first time. I know we over react, but a child is so miraculous, especially when they step out in front of all of our expectations.



Joe (Joey's Dad) was a 6'4" Sicilian Italian tough guy who was known in his younger days as a player and a fighter up in Omaha. To think that a little kid's ABC could bring him to tears and an eruption of pride and contentment. I think that's when he knew we would be OK.



It's magical to me what one little surprise effort of a 4 year old before bedtime and after teeth brushing in passing the night night kiss rounds.



Joey is now 10 years old and an inch shorter than me, and weighs 127 and has feet that are bigger than mine. With a ton of perfect shaggy thick hair, that he likes to flip to the side like his dad would when his hair got a little long. He has his hands ")-and his nose, lol. (I think he wears it very well). He has the most amazing and perfect arrow to my heart smile and an even more moving laugh.



I often can picture Joe's face and even more so, feel him when Joey does something above and beyond what we would have thought, but knew in our hearts he could.



Joey has been singing a lot and this time he was playing the guitar too for me.



Crying now-so signing off.



More to come.



SMOOCHIES AND HAPPY SPRINKLES



PEACE

OK FINE-How did my stuff get so messed up

Right now I have two blogs and I can't decide which one I want to keep. You know copy over entries like I did last time, and got all confused then too. 
I'm going to just make the same entries into both. One is linked from my website and the other is on Blogger which is a popular place.
Unless I can figure out a way to connect them.