What I knew....

   Yes, I'm awake again.  I tried to sleep, but I'm feeling so off tonight....even for me. 

   I think my brain is turning into a guy, cuz it seems to be one tracked, no matter what I try to think about it always comes back to one thing.  I know it seems ridiculous and I know that I need to move forward in my life and move along with it instead of watching it pass me by.  It's movin pretty fast too. 

   I was trying to figure out why I always feel panic and fear, I can't even breathe sometimes, it still all seems so unreal.  Up until Aug. 20, 2005 I knew that I could protect Joey from mean or hurtful people.  I knew that peopl wanted to be in his life and my life and wanted to be a part of our family, the way it was. I also always felt safe. Joe would always have my back, no matter what or where or from who, and I had his.  We didn't deal with anything alone, it was both of us or none of us.  We had the same plans and dreams and ideas and we both saw our family the same.  We were fine being Jen, Joe and Joey, all the extra people were bonuses. 

    Now, I can't say that any of this is anyone's fault but my own.  I really try to be honest with my feelings, even when they sound crazy, because I'm learning that I'm not the only one that feels that way.  Well, usually not the only one, I'm still not convinced ").  In either case, it's one way to get to know me for those who don't and for those who think they already do.

    I don't feel safe now, I don't feel protected and I don't feel that I can protect Joey. My bubble has bursted.  I know I have to send him to school, where he's going to have rough days.  I know I have to open the mail eventually, where there's gonna be nasty bill letters and sometimes worse.  I know that I have to leave my house, where people can be mean to me, judge me or I can embarrass or physically hurt myself, get stranded somewhere or get stuck when my stupid debit card doesn't work.  I know that when Shawn goes to work, he may not come back.  I know that when I leave my family, I may not see them again for months and when I do...the past seems to have made things uncomfortable or tense and I really don't know what is real and what isn't in our relationships. 

   I hate that so many people have disappeared out of JOey's life. I've said it a million times and I hate it worse every time it happens,  whether that's just how life is or not.  Teachers and paras that I thought would always be in our life, Joey was so easy to get attached to,  we've lost touch with, some of them for their choice, some are "the just life thing".  His father disappeared, his aunt, his brother, his sister, family as they grow up, friends as they grown apart-I know they are all for different reasons but it still makes me kinda sad for him. I find myself constantly questioning why someone is in our life and am usually doubtful that it's by first choice and not obligation or being the thing to do. So I'm very careful about who I let be in his life because I can't set him up for that kind of loss. If someone has disappeared on him then I'm very hesitant to let them come back and especially to trust they will stay,  I'm beginning to believe that no one does. 

   I just realized before I started writing this that, as well as being sad for Joey's "I don't know why" losses, they are my losses too and I'm not OK with it.  I do know some of the why's and other why's I suspect.  I think it's hard for people to be honest when they dont' wanna be around someone anymore for whatever reason and I totally understand that.  However, if you dont' have the why, then your mind comes up with one.  My mind hasn't come up with very many good scenarios. 

   I found myself getting easily attached to others just after Joe died and then as I watched people peel away from our lives, you just kinda get to the point of expecting it.  I don't think of ways to get rid of people, but maybe ways to keep my distance so I don't get hurt as much.  My biggest problem with that is that it's not me. I want to get attached, I want to trust that people are in my life for good reason and also that they will want to stay for the right reasons. If you say you are my friend or that you love me, I really really want you to.  I really hate being so needy, but I just am. I need to KNOW that I'm loved and people want to be around me.  A lot of people say it and it's truly not always possible but again it's a feeling and sometimes those we can't dictate ahead of time. 

  I used to always be the one following you around if you got mad at me (or I thought you did) trying to make things right and begging you to like me again and show me that you wanted to be with me too, that it wasn't just really super easy to walk away or to get rid of me.  After I lost Joe, I think I just started taking care of the hurt of people I love disappearing and to accept that maybe they don't wanna be around me for the right and true reasons before they can.

   I know I sound pathetic and probably am, but I am truly me.  I want to be loved, I want people to love me and want to hang with me and be around me.  I want to be honestly liked and not to have to question which is real and which is not.  It's so easy to be dishonest about feelings now, with the internet and assumptions about other people's lives.  For me, it's not possible to not feel it. If I talk to you, I want to be around you.  If I am there, it's because of you and not obligation.  If I say hello to you or have a good day, I really mean that I want you to have a good day and will pray for it.  If I say I love you, I love you-even though you may have hurt me or I you.  I still love and everyone of those little things that don't get talked about just add to the wall that has been started by two people or sometimes more. 

  I know, I know-it's that "just life thing".  But, even though we have to be strong and deal with not knowing or trusting and losing or not trusting in the first place, we all still have a feeling about it, and again sometimes we cannot dictate the feeling before it sneaks up on us.  I feel everything, I think that's why moving forward has been so hard for me. Every person that didn't come to Joe's funeral or at least call me or send me a card hurt me terribly.  Everyone that didn't come to my wedding, even though I understood some of them hurt me.  Every person that I allowed into my life as a friend and at first I really took them on as friends (it's all I knew, I didn't have occasional friends or maybe they are, maybe they aren't friends), anyone that didn't seem to notice me being sick or took the time to check on me after my surgery or even just for the hell of it.  It all hurts everytime I invite someone to be a part of my life or even more Joey's and it gets turned down in whatever way.  I am glad however that he is not as thin skinned as I am, lucky kid.  I took everyone and everything at face value and am hurt everytime I realize that the feelings weren't necessarily true on all parts, that either the distance or the wall was just too big already and it takes me longer to see it.  But this is the way things are and I can't make them different but I do have to realize what really is true, it just seems impossible to tell when we want the good feelers so badly.

  I have lots more to say, mostly trying to make sure I didn't hurt anyone's feelings, but I'm going to stop. I know these super long blog posts can get really boring and annoying.  Maybe I'll try for a short one tomorrow.

   I'm so thankful to everyone who has made me feel good or listened to me or responded or loved me. I more I appreciate the worse it hurts when you aren't there.  I'm not blaming anyone or griping at anyone or even trying to make anyone feel bad and I truly hope that that doesn't happen.  If I hurt you, I never intend to.  Sometimes I think people can't believe that I'm really such a sap or that I'm really THAT mushy, but I am.  If someone is mean or hurts me, I don't hate them, I hurt for them and I'm sad for me, for the loss, for what I no longer have and whether or not I ever really had it.

   I found myself wanting so badly to be taken care of today and to be able to cry and fall and know that I would be caught or that someone would give me a true soft place to fall, someone who would do it again too ").  I also found it hard to allow that to happen, I don't trust it and it scares me to think that I want to and at some point will have to.  I don't wanna be wrong again.  I don't want to lose anyone I love to the "just life thing" or worse to something that I or they did to add to that wall. 

  All of my mourning and grief is not just about JOe, it's about the way that I thought the world was before I lost him.  I dealt with this sort of thing all my life, and usually blamed myself and sometimes I know it was my fault.  I never did realize why it seemed easier to leave for everyone that left than it was for me to lose them, in some cases for years.  Then I thought I was proven wrong and let go and took life in and really really felt and had and did and hoped and thought and learned and lived and I thought I knew up until that day when I realized that the truth was what I already knew, I just got a break from living it for awhile. 

  I promise I"m OK, just thinkin'  maybe too much.

  SMOOCHIES AND HAPPY SPRINKLES <-----
and you know I truly mean it