I MIGHT POSSIBLY MAYBE HAVE A FEW ISSUES

I'm sitting here at the computer. It's 3:19am on Thursday morning November 4, 2010.


At 3:04am, I decided I was going to force myself to stop obsessing over organizing files and cleaning house to blog.

Shawn's been asleep for hours, he works in the am, well a few hours. Joey fell asleep quick tonight and I just heard him laughing in his sleep (the most beautiful sound).

I don't even know where to start. I realize that my behavior is odd and I guess that's why I'm sharing. I've known for a long time that I was OCD, had PTSD, anxiety, agoraphobia...all kinds of fun stuff that has been affecting my everyday life pretty intensely for the last 5 years (since I lost Joe).

I have a tendency to go from lazier than hell to completely manic. Yeah, like bipolar, but apparently there are different levels. So when I am manic, it's goal oriented, and since I don't work because of above noted issues, my goals are oriented on my house and my son.

My stepson decided a few months back that he didn't want to come here anymore, that's a whole 'nother story. Anyway, my house isn't good enough for him. Then his mother said she was told by Shawn's family that our house was barely habitable!?!?!?. The thought that anyone would imply that I have my son in an unsafe environment sends me into a frenzy. Joe and I bought this house with cash when we moved down here and worked our asses off to make it a home. After Joe died, my bff, Barb and I worked like crazy on it, and then when Shawn moved in, he started working on it too. I asked my son the other day if he thought we should start looking for a new house, and asked what kind he would like. He told me that "my home is at home"

Here are a few pics of my "uninhabitable" home. I also regularly have mandatory reporters in my home because of the agencies we work with for Joey's autism. Anyway, the before and after pics are really cool and make me super proud, maybe that will be the next post.

In the meantime, you can check on my FB. http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/album.php?id=1362305463&aid=2029130

Got sidetracked, sorry, another one of my issues. I just get really passionate about some things, especially if it has to do with my son.

My point was that the issues with my stepson and husband's family triggered a massive need to begin an intense and lengthy super cleaning, super reorganizing and sorting and moving and changing and so on and so forth. The biggest problem with this is that it is impossible to get what I feel I have to do done. I see a project and then while doing that one, I see another and then comes a whole domino effect with which the only feeling possible is failure. But I keep going and with each project, there is a sense of urgency. I have to get it done now, I can't have tools or paint or sorting tubs sitting out. I can work my butt off and be crazy and have everything in a room out and I have to have it back to a home before I can sleep.

I was sorting sheets and blankets into tubs by size today so they aren't so hard to find, I have a tub that I'm putting give away stuff in and I also have a little tub for Halloween stuff sitting on the couch, and I've just been putting decorations and costumes in it a little at a time. There are still more sheets to sort and plenty of room in the give away tub and some more decorations to pack up. So it would make sense to most people to just leave them where they are and finish up tomorrow. I, however, am obsessed with the fact that the tubs are in the living and not in a storage area. Since I was obsessed about that, it prompted me to clean up everything around them so that it didn't look lazy or messy. That led to another cleaning project, then as I'm putting away clothes from the laundry I did around 1am, I was suddenly ashamed that I hadn't done my nails in a couple weeks (mostly cuz of the constant projects).

I'm a developer in a fun program called IMVU. It's like instant messenger, The Sims and Facebook all together, a 3D real time instant messaging. I've created tons of things and want to do some things I haven't done yet. So anyway, I was downloading sound clips, movie quotes, voices, etc to use and I couldn't stop. I downloaded thousands and then bookmarked the really really big archives that I knew would have me downloading for hours. Yesterday it was Betty Boop pictures and sounds. The day before was music. The thing is that I'm so afraid to miss something good that I try to get everything...everything. Every file on every page of every website. It's so overwhelming, but I really can't make myself not look at that next page or listen to that next file...it might be the best one ever. I do this at the store too, go up and down every aisle usually twice and look at every single item. I'm afraid I'll miss a sale or forget something or a cool new product I would just die without. Garage sales and thrift stores are the worst, I guess since they aren't usually as organized. I will look at every piece of clothing, every craft, every toy, every record, every book, ever item there is just so I don't miss the good one.

I've been like this for awhile, but I never really thought it was a problem, I'm just very thorough, right?

Well...as I'm going through page after page of downloading awesome files, all with great planned projects attached to them of course, I start getting annoyed about the state of my computer files. All mixed up and pictures in different places and unorganized. So I have spent the last few hours going through every folder on my computer and sorting every file. I have thousand of songs, tens of thousands of pictures and textures and now around a thousand sound clips. I have this need to sort each of those into smaller categories. Pictures by who they are or should I do it by when they were taken or should I do it by the event. Better yet, I can copy the pictures that have more than one person so it will be in each of their folders so I don't miss any pics of anyone ever. As I go through this, I inevitably come up with more categories and more folders and more ways to sort and organize and each one seems better than the last. Textures, music and sound files and autism documents and Joey school stuff are all done like this. Well, prolly shouldn't say done, lol.

Even more annoying is that there has to be consistency in how all of these folders and files are named. They have to be the same. If I do the name in all CAPS, then they all have to be that way, and when I mess up, I will go through them all again. Sometimes, I'll get mostly through and think of something or some way I would rather do it and then just repeat and go through every singles one with my new "can't live without it that way" idea. Then of course, sorting files you always find more or some that are misplaced and so they have to be replaced and then where they are replaced to has to be resorted and checked for duplicates and renamed if needed so they match......

You get the idea.

It's now 4:09am and I'm still stressing about those tubs of sorted sheets in the living room. It's almost a physical need to get up and put them in storage, but logically makes no sense.

I usually can take a nap during the day so sleep isn't a really big deal. Tomorrow though, I have appointments, therapy (thank God), flu shot, horse riding. I won't have time to do all of this stuff tomorrow and then it will just go into another day without being done and then the urgency increases until I can't take it anymore and then it's a here and now must do and fast.

Finally, on top of all of that, when I'm finally "finished" with a project, I always always always think of something I wish I would have done instead. A different shade of paint or a different shelf for the tubs or different way to put the dishes in the cabinets.

I don't know if this has anything to do with losing Joe or issues I already had. I like to think that I don't really care what people think, but what people think can hurt you and can cause tons of problems and who needs that with all these projects "). I rarely have company or people over because I know that I don't have everything perfect yet. It's always "after I get this done", then.... -but the impossible cannot ever be done.

I have to force myself to lay down, if I don't get to sleep in the next half hour, I won't wake up to get Joey ready for school and no naptime tomorrow, stuff to do. So I'm already feeling negative about tomorrow, which will certainly set me off on the wrong foot. Even consciously knowing all of this, I still feel it-that's the really sucky part.

I see a piece of tape up on the door where I had some Halloween decorations that I have to get and I see the mirror is kinda dusty too and I was kind of in the middle of working on my computer files (there's tons and tons to do). I will make myself get the tape and leave the mirror and computer....baby steps I guess. It makes me sick to know that I won't be able to get it all done. Sleeping feels like such a lazy thing with all that I think needs to be done.

Shawn wanted to hang out on the couch and watch TV and I couldn't even fathom sitting and watching TV and not doing projects at the same time-that would be literally painful for me I think. I guess that's maybe what triggered the obsessiveness today. Oh well, here's hoping I can get The Joey off to school and my fanny to therapy tomorrow, I think I might need an extra hour there ")

SMOOCHIES ALL AND HAPPY SPRINKLES ALL OVER YOU

JEN