12-1-09 JOYFULLY THANKFUL

This has been a very very unusual year, month, week, day-everything.  First of the year my dad died which really splintered our family more than it already was.  Then I had crazy surgery on my shoulder and a few days later Shawn got downsized.  We did OK on unemployment but no insurance and unable to pay child support.  Lots of crazy money stuff happened-Car got repoed-always paying cut off notices-had to do work on the house-you know all the stuff that us poor folks go through.  It's funny how when there is a financial problem it feels like the biggest thing on the planet.  Then there's the kids,  I know that we don't have to keep up with the Joneses or that the meaning is more important than the gift and that as long as you love them.....But there really is something to seeing my son smile.

-First of all, it was embarrassing to me to not have what my friends did or anything even close.  It was humbling that my friends gave me hand me down clothes so that I didn't feel as awkward and I used to sew the legs of our cheap jeans for my sister and I-hoping that we would fit in more.  Even now-it's not as important, I'm not sewing up jeans but people still have a first impression and a lot of that has to do with our appearance, our home, our kids clothing, how much we can buy at the fundraisers or donate, it's just the way it is.  

-Secondly, I've found that even if you don't have the material things that you can still make a little house with issues a home and send your kids to school clean and dressed and find ways to have fun and make the kids happy and safe.  

I think we always want to do more.

-This year a friend and family did the ultimate and game my son and then me a horse-I know right.  Before Joe died he had had back surgery and was in the hospital for a week, when he got out JOey was in school and Joe was standing on the porch when he got off the bus and that "Daddy is Home" face is the one I would give anything to see again.  I got to see it-after 4 years when Joey realized that Trigger was really his.  I cried a lot that night and more-I was so happy-a little jealous maybe that I couldn't give it to him myself, or get that look from him again.  But it was worth everything to see it and feel it.

-Joey's birthday and Thanksgiving kinda came together and I always want Joey to have the best birthday parties I can give him and it was great and so was Thanksgiving and we have had some great times with the horses and my friends family.

-Financial stuff seems to sneak up on me-like I have everything under control and then "oops" no I don't and usually it's a pretty big sneak up, it's so crazy all the things that happen.  You see I worry about everything so the something that always happens always freaks me out cuz there are so many other crappy things that I did expect.  I know, not healthy-working on that part. ")

-I have been trying to lean on God and thank God for friends who send up prayers and kind words here and there-it's so warming and loving to let someone know that you are thinking about them and even more talking to God about them.  

-When Joe died-a ton of people wanted to help and in the position I was in, I didn't feel like it was my fault and knew that I did need the help so it wasn't hard to take although I'm usually so grateful and thankful that I annoy people, lol-a lot of people did a lot of nice things.

-This time I guess I just feel like I should be doing better and maybe that it is my fault and therefore don't deserve the help.  I want it of course especially for the kids.  I could have done so much more this year and spent less and been more careful, been further with all my mental stuff.  But then you wake up and your in the situation-I would love to be like some people and blame it on someone else, but I can't.  I know what I've spent and I know sometimes I just don't think. There are so many more people more deserving than me.

 -I always watch the lotto winners and stuff and think that-Holy Wow-I just want a couple thousand-I would be like fine with it and it would be worth a million to me.  I've felt kind of anxious and not sure why.  I think that there are so many other people more deserving than me.  I'm thinking "OK, if I did win a couple thousand, would I feel scared or guilty or undeserving?"....NO I wouldn't, not even close. 

-So many people now are having to go on food stamps, medicaid, unemployment, food pantries and clothes closets-so I really hope that the shame and stereotyping is diminishing.  There are times when I've been OK, and times when I've needed help.  When I'm OK I try to help others and when I've needed help I've tried to be grateful and humble and to pay it forward as soon as I can.

-I'm trying to decide if I feel more like Cousin Eddie or like Bubba's Mama in Forrest Gump, LOL 

-So today, I've decided to shut up, quit whining and just trust God and He's shown me that He's here as He has so many times before-Oh and so is Santa Claus-")---for me, anxiety is a given, that's gonna be there, but what I can have some control over is shame,  I'm not anywhere that God hasn't brought me and same for Santa-so I will do my very best to be joyfully thankful and not ashamed.  The joy will be in that "Daddy is home" look on my son's face and Brent's when I'm able to clear the way for a little dream or two to come true. 

-It's nice to have dreams again and to see that they can come true as Sir Ulrich says "You can change your stars"

-And to everyone that has helped me or anyone else or just said a few nice words to someone or to tell someone you've prayed for them or that they feel better soon or they bring fudge to ya ")-or been kind in so many other ways-GOD BLESS YOU!!!!  There really are no words than those that are more fitting "GOD BLESS YOU!!!!"