3-27-09-repost-DREAMS-AGAIN-IT NEVER ENDS

h my goodness...I really don't think I'm ever going to get over this Joe dyin' thing, I mean, I thought I was doing better then one of these crazy dreams just sends me back to what I really feel and what I've been trying to get past and to be at least healthy and moving forward instead of getting thrown back repeatedly into my confustion and inability to understand why and how this happened. The dreams themselves are getting worse. The last one I wrote about was pretty bad, this one took the award for suckiness. At this time I only remember parts but here's the jist. There are a lot of unrelated or seemingly unrelated parts as with any dream, but-well as usual-he disappeared. Joe was gone and Joey and I were doin' OK, moving forward and living. Joey and I actually had a mobile home type place and then had acquired a new smaller home on the same land. We had 4 dogs, and the kitties of course. In my dream-I had worked 3 jobs to make sure we were gonna be OK and we were. We were moving forward and living our lives. Then Joe showed up, I don't remember if I found him or if he just showed up, but I do remember he came back different (as with most of my Joe dreams). I tried to hold back my anger and hurt from him. Well, let me says this first-it took some questioning and detective mindset, but there was a girl name Karrie I believe, and she was speaking for him and he kept saying that she needed to answer any of my questions-"ask Karrie" or "it's up to Karrie" was used a lot. Anyway, what I figured out-and keep in mind-I had to drag this stuff out of him-but he had met this Karrie-before he left me and then disappeared, he swore that he was not "with" her, but it was kinda obvious to me. So he moves back in and Joey was so happy and I was thinking I have him back. But I didn't, he was different, distant, and didn't want to talk-really talk-just was like living. Well, then I find out that he and this Karrie expected to live with us too and then I overheard them talking about having 4 dogs. What got me was the sense of entitlement that they should just be able to be here like nothing had happened. I remember trying to talk to Joe and get through to him that I had worked my ass off for me and Joey to be Ok and that I couldn't support so many-but there was always this emptiness and unwillingness to see the reality (well in my dream ") of the situation. I remember I told him several times that if he wasn't gonna "be here" that he needed to just leave. But he wouldn't. I finally told him that "Karrie" would not be here-I had cleaned out a closet for them-but moved it back. By the time I woke up, he was still distant and I never got an answer, but I had made it very clear that if he wasn't "here" then he needed to go so that Joey wouldn't have to deal with losing him over and over and over again-I couldn't handle him hurting and I also couldn't allow it. I remember wanting so badly for Joe to say that it was always us and he would never leave us, but he didn't and I remember knowing that he wouldn't stay. It hurt so badly to tell him to go so that we wouldn't have to be hurt more and needing him to just take me up and say that he was sorry and he would never hurt us again. But he didn't. I hate to think of how I would have woken up had the dream continued, I'm pretty sure I would have had to make him leave. I remember trying to convince him to "see" Joey and us and to remember what we had and he just didn't seem to get it. I'm beginning to think that mmy feelings will change-over and over and over to so many different things, but that all in all I'll never be able to accept that he died, he didn't disappear, I mean really-how does one actually accept it. I wish in some ways that I would have been able to see him and say goodbye-(I don't think that when people have to go through the seeing them sick before they die thing really understand that they are lucky for having that chance to say goodbye and to be able to connect the person with the death) No, I wouldn't have wanted to see Joe sick or hurt, but I think it would have made more sense and to be able to hold his hand and tell him it's ok and how much I loved him and to say "I'll see you in the future". Just to be able to look at him and know that he was leaving, instead of the disappearance-the just being gone. The way the day was and what happened-the surrealism of the day and night and after. Nothing about this is right, none of it should be real-I mean how can it be? The biggest question though, is How in God's name will it ever be OK that-well just how will it ever be "OK"