"IT'S A JENNIE THING"

I was just thinking-I know, not again")-

I find it interesting how easy it is for people, especially those who are supposed to be close to me, to believe negative things about me.  And then to find out they thought something awful of me and I never knew is even more horrible. And when it is finally told to me in whatever context, it's something that isn't even true or never happened or was turned into something it never was.

  I find myself often, well before the "Alkatraz Jennie boundary thing", in an argument with someone that they are arguing with themselves.  What I mean is that, I can talk about something and it can be simple or not even about anything and then 15 minutes later, someone is yelling at me saying that I've done or said something that never even came close to happening and I'm begging for "chillness" going "But that didn't happen, I never said that, I never asked for anything close to that...."  It seems to me that it is targeted to me and I'm on the floor in the fetal position thinking the only other thing I could have done is to not say anything at all,  no matter how harmless anyone should think it is.
  "I painted my living room purple" can lead to me being a psycho, week, needy, pathetic, white trash bitch that tries to control everyone and ends up deserving punishment (usually by way of isolation or using others that I love).
   This all brings me to what I'm really thinking (more about the other later). What I was really wondering is why I still feel the need to protect these people. These people that have caused me incredible torturous pain, that I have fought to be with and begged to be loved by, and don't even see nor feel any remorse for anything they may have done.  It's frustrating that they just get to go about their lives and not even have to feel a little guilt for what they've done, because it to them can always be justified with some lame excuse like...well I'm not gonna say right now (because I do still protect and defend them).  Several have even told me things that were horrible about other innocent people that think they actually mean something to them and they've just destroyed behind their backs. 
   So you see, I could destroy them, all of them.  They've done some really horrible things and not just to me, but things that just aren't acceptable, are fake, are hateful, are hurtful, are neglectful, hippocritical and just plain cruel.  I choose not to.  I sit back and wait and hope that someday each will come to me and admit what they did to hurt me and to show remorse for those things and maybe even apologize and tell me they love me. I wonder when it's going to feel OK in my heart to accept that that will never happen.
  So gonna do a little praying now and writing tomorrow cuz I wanna tell my stories and Joe's stories and Joey's stories...there are just so many things I want to share and I feel ill with the thought that they may just disappear someday, when who knows what could have happened if I turned them out.  ")

I would be honored if you subscribed, well if you can, not sure how, I'll figure that out later ")

PEACE, SMOOCHIES AND SPARKLY HAPPY SPRINKLES!!!
Jen

UMMM, FAMILY, REALLY?

Hi Hi, I was thinkin this AM that I need to post a mini Jennie blog entry. I find that most of the time the things I want to say take up quite a bit more than the allowed number of characters in pretty much any of the social networks, and yep, I talk like that too. That's why I talk so fast, gotta lot to say ")




I think I'm doing better now with the whole big time family boundaries thing. It has definitely helped me see things and some of them suck and some are great, I just wish more people knew.



I still want my family to be a family. The things that have changed, everyone seems to think is some kind of "take care of yourself" power thing. Who are you supposed to be able to ask for help? OOPS, getting off track a little.



I do find it interesting how a bunch of kids from the same family can have such different ideas about what family is supposed to be when we get older, which for me created a lost cause, heart and soul battle.



I see them all around me and it seems they would rather have "family" there as warm bodies to give us fake kudos and a false security and not as "family". The thing that really sucks is that there seems to be some pride received for acting like a "family" is supposed to, no matter what's really in your heart and head. I can't stand hypocrisy and dishonesty, fakeness and behind the back stuff. I finally got to the truth, I don't think it would have hurt so bad had no one been acting like "family" that I knew wasn't the real feeling. Then I was chasstized for feeling like we are missing the "family" part only to find out that I was correct about what was missing and what I wanted so badly to be there.



I want my family....badly, but what is it that I want and is it even possible to find it again. I mean what am I missing now-before there was real stuff there, now, it's been pretty much all heartbreak, getting in trouble, getting judged, not doing things right, getting looked down upon, watching my family turn into "family" robots and lose all the real meaning. The worst part is the pride of being able to be mean and selfish and uncaring and rude and dishonest and hurtful and to not even have to look back and say "well maybe I was hurtful". What we get is that we are just supposed to accept it all as our fate and what we deserve. That's really the only way to create harmony isn't it?



So the choice is-lose my family or act like the Lawson robot and accept the heartbreak and keep it under wraps cuz no one wants to deal with it...maintain the appearance or I step back I grieve for the loss of my family and hope that in the future that they wil remember and feel and see and I will get the "family" I've been fighting for for so long.



I deal with a lot of "lost cause" stuff and I'm hard headed about letting it go but the last thing that I didn't wanna let go of that was my family. How can we just not mean anything to each other. I will never get it and I can't be superficial and fake just to make it look like I'm a good family member. I'm so sad that the feelings aren't there cuz they can be so wonderful and comforting and keep us going when we can't. I know this because I have people that have become my family. A best friend that is my soulmate and a family that I know cares and loves and doesn't expect anything in return. They are almost 3 hours away and they don't have to be "family", they don't have to keep up the appearance of giving a crap about me, they chose to.



I'm so sad for what my family is missing and that they can't see or are blind to the damage that they can and do, do. In some ways I wish I was the same cuz then I wouldn't be hurt and I'd never miss them, but that's not me. I do care and I do love and I do give and all I want in return is comfort and security and "family".



It's early, I'll try to clarify this a little better later, I was hoping blogging it would give it words for me but now I'm overthinking, which has gotta suck for anyone reading this.



Please remember, we DO create feelings in others, we DO have the power to destroy them, we DO need more than just ourselves, we DO need to do things with love for others, words and opinions DO hurt....especially when you find out that what you hoped was there, just isn't gonna be.



I'm OK though, just a lot of thinkin' ")



PEACE, SMOOCHIES AND SPARKLY HAPPY SPRINKLES ")

JOEY SANG FOR ME

JOEY DECK THE HALLS
go here for the audio, it's awesomeness
www.jenboops.com/blog




There haven't been many times I've been so proud as I was, well...ok-I'm proud all the time...anyway.



The night before my 4 year old autistic son's father died, he said his ABCs for him for the first time. I know we over react, but a child is so miraculous, especially when they step out in front of all of our expectations.



Joe (Joey's Dad) was a 6'4" Sicilian Italian tough guy who was known in his younger days as a player and a fighter up in Omaha. To think that a little kid's ABC could bring him to tears and an eruption of pride and contentment. I think that's when he knew we would be OK.



It's magical to me what one little surprise effort of a 4 year old before bedtime and after teeth brushing in passing the night night kiss rounds.



Joey is now 10 years old and an inch shorter than me, and weighs 127 and has feet that are bigger than mine. With a ton of perfect shaggy thick hair, that he likes to flip to the side like his dad would when his hair got a little long. He has his hands ")-and his nose, lol. (I think he wears it very well). He has the most amazing and perfect arrow to my heart smile and an even more moving laugh.



I often can picture Joe's face and even more so, feel him when Joey does something above and beyond what we would have thought, but knew in our hearts he could.



Joey has been singing a lot and this time he was playing the guitar too for me.



Crying now-so signing off.



More to come.



SMOOCHIES AND HAPPY SPRINKLES



PEACE

OK FINE-How did my stuff get so messed up

Right now I have two blogs and I can't decide which one I want to keep. You know copy over entries like I did last time, and got all confused then too. 
I'm going to just make the same entries into both. One is linked from my website and the other is on Blogger which is a popular place.
Unless I can figure out a way to connect them.

HAPPY SPRINKLES OR CRAPPY SPRINKLES

     I decided that I was going to try to blog in the AM or whenever I wake up for the day.  Usually when I can look back on the events of the day with a little more of "not in the heat of the moment" stuff.  Not that that is always bad "). 
     Let's see. this has been a rough and also an exciting week.  The Joey was sick with what I had for the first couple days this week.  Tuesday I had to go to Independence to pick up something I got off Craigslist, Christmas present and so I had to take him with me.  I was dreading it.  First of all I don't like driving very far, especially where I'm not super familiar with the area or I don't know exactly where I'm going.  Plus I had decided that since JOey and I were both going and we were right at the mall that we would go to Build-A-Bear since we never have before, starting a new tradition for us YAY!!!  We had so much fun, even feeling as bad as we did ").  We did the Build A Bear thing, which I was as excited as he was.  We both sleep with our bears ").  We got our pics taken in one of those photo booths and had a giant Christmas cookies and an Icee.  Walked around the mall, it was really really fun and I did not have any anxiety or panic at all.  Even on the drive WOOHOO.
     Then of course the happy is always paid for with crappy.  Someone else that made me a target and thinks I was doing or implying or thinking stuff that I wasn't.  I know it's nuts but I don't understand why people can't just believe my intentions are good.  It's almost like as soon as they see it, they have to find a bad tag to put on me, whether it's true or not. 
     I honestly have no desire to make anyone feel bad, to get anything for free, to take advantage of anyone, or use anyone for anything.  I really do want to make everyone I meet get happies when they are around me.  I don't want to leave anyone with hurtful feelings ever.  So usually when that happens it's because they don't want to hear or to believe that there is a reasonable explanation or that I didn't really do what they presume I did or what my intentions were.  I love loving, I love being loved. I depise anyone being angry at me or even worse hurt over something that was misread, misheard or seriously unintentional.  To think that there are so many out there that believe that I do have bad intentions or that I'm wanting to hurt anyone,  it makes me sad, because I want so bad and try so hard, even at my own detriment or risk, to leave people with the happy.  I truly don't understand.  I'm far from the best, kindest  person in the world, I do make mistakes, sometimes I say things that either sound bad or out of anger and frustration, just like anyone else.  My thing is that even when things are said or done, you can always do something.  Get the other person's side of the story and they hear yours.  Try to understand why it felt for them or you the way it did and try to understand why it happened and I think usually you will find that it wasn't mean at all and both parties have logical points.
     What I am really sick of is that anytime there is any and all conflicts now don't turn to discussion and understanding, they turn into unfriending, unfamilying-cut off, disappear, throw away all of the good parts and not even making an effort to know what actualy happened.  Perception seems to be the judge and jury for every relationship now. 
     None of us are always right, none of us always knows best, none of us knows everything about anything.  Each of us has something to offer to others-if they wanna listen.  We can learn so much from others, whether we think so or not.  I think that too much advice is way better than not enough or winging it on your own. Thinking you know everything about anything is a total life screw up thing.  When people give advice they aren't saying they are better than you (everyone seems to take it that way now), they are saying that wanna help you, make things a little easier and maybe cover something you don't know yet.
    So maybe, we can all take the rest of the year at least or even resolute that in our interactions with others, especially cutting them off in our lives as punishment for whatever, try to understand them, hear them and be reasonable and caring and leave them with a happy.  Make each person you meet better and not worse, happy not sad, encouraged and not defeated.  The receiver needs to try that too.  None of us are responsible for doing everything the other wants in order to keep them, that is so wrong.  What we are redponsible for is ourselves. 
     Finally, it is not our place to punish anyone.  There is always going to be some hurt somewhere, but it doesn't mean everything is over. You don't through away all of the good cuz of the bad, it just erases all the good and depletes trust.  I don't know who to believe or not about how they feel.  I've had so many that have said the same thing and have decided I'm horrible with some nasty alterior motives, selfish, mean and uncaring.  I just don't get it.  None of us has enough friends to be tossing them out as soon as they get a little wrinkly-that's just knowing them and yourself better-fitting in, conditioning, getting comfortable.
     So try attempting to make every interaction leave happy sprinkles and not crappy ones.  It's the same amount of effort and will give you happies too. 
     I could go on forever as most of you know.  But please just consider all of this.  We need other people and no one is going to agree all the time or do everything perfectly for another, but there's still love and friendship and those fun, happy, meaningful times ahead if you let it ").
SMOOCHIES AND HAPPY SPRINKLES
LUVS,
JEN
   

What I knew....

   Yes, I'm awake again.  I tried to sleep, but I'm feeling so off tonight....even for me. 

   I think my brain is turning into a guy, cuz it seems to be one tracked, no matter what I try to think about it always comes back to one thing.  I know it seems ridiculous and I know that I need to move forward in my life and move along with it instead of watching it pass me by.  It's movin pretty fast too. 

   I was trying to figure out why I always feel panic and fear, I can't even breathe sometimes, it still all seems so unreal.  Up until Aug. 20, 2005 I knew that I could protect Joey from mean or hurtful people.  I knew that peopl wanted to be in his life and my life and wanted to be a part of our family, the way it was. I also always felt safe. Joe would always have my back, no matter what or where or from who, and I had his.  We didn't deal with anything alone, it was both of us or none of us.  We had the same plans and dreams and ideas and we both saw our family the same.  We were fine being Jen, Joe and Joey, all the extra people were bonuses. 

    Now, I can't say that any of this is anyone's fault but my own.  I really try to be honest with my feelings, even when they sound crazy, because I'm learning that I'm not the only one that feels that way.  Well, usually not the only one, I'm still not convinced ").  In either case, it's one way to get to know me for those who don't and for those who think they already do.

    I don't feel safe now, I don't feel protected and I don't feel that I can protect Joey. My bubble has bursted.  I know I have to send him to school, where he's going to have rough days.  I know I have to open the mail eventually, where there's gonna be nasty bill letters and sometimes worse.  I know that I have to leave my house, where people can be mean to me, judge me or I can embarrass or physically hurt myself, get stranded somewhere or get stuck when my stupid debit card doesn't work.  I know that when Shawn goes to work, he may not come back.  I know that when I leave my family, I may not see them again for months and when I do...the past seems to have made things uncomfortable or tense and I really don't know what is real and what isn't in our relationships. 

   I hate that so many people have disappeared out of JOey's life. I've said it a million times and I hate it worse every time it happens,  whether that's just how life is or not.  Teachers and paras that I thought would always be in our life, Joey was so easy to get attached to,  we've lost touch with, some of them for their choice, some are "the just life thing".  His father disappeared, his aunt, his brother, his sister, family as they grow up, friends as they grown apart-I know they are all for different reasons but it still makes me kinda sad for him. I find myself constantly questioning why someone is in our life and am usually doubtful that it's by first choice and not obligation or being the thing to do. So I'm very careful about who I let be in his life because I can't set him up for that kind of loss. If someone has disappeared on him then I'm very hesitant to let them come back and especially to trust they will stay,  I'm beginning to believe that no one does. 

   I just realized before I started writing this that, as well as being sad for Joey's "I don't know why" losses, they are my losses too and I'm not OK with it.  I do know some of the why's and other why's I suspect.  I think it's hard for people to be honest when they dont' wanna be around someone anymore for whatever reason and I totally understand that.  However, if you dont' have the why, then your mind comes up with one.  My mind hasn't come up with very many good scenarios. 

   I found myself getting easily attached to others just after Joe died and then as I watched people peel away from our lives, you just kinda get to the point of expecting it.  I don't think of ways to get rid of people, but maybe ways to keep my distance so I don't get hurt as much.  My biggest problem with that is that it's not me. I want to get attached, I want to trust that people are in my life for good reason and also that they will want to stay for the right reasons. If you say you are my friend or that you love me, I really really want you to.  I really hate being so needy, but I just am. I need to KNOW that I'm loved and people want to be around me.  A lot of people say it and it's truly not always possible but again it's a feeling and sometimes those we can't dictate ahead of time. 

  I used to always be the one following you around if you got mad at me (or I thought you did) trying to make things right and begging you to like me again and show me that you wanted to be with me too, that it wasn't just really super easy to walk away or to get rid of me.  After I lost Joe, I think I just started taking care of the hurt of people I love disappearing and to accept that maybe they don't wanna be around me for the right and true reasons before they can.

   I know I sound pathetic and probably am, but I am truly me.  I want to be loved, I want people to love me and want to hang with me and be around me.  I want to be honestly liked and not to have to question which is real and which is not.  It's so easy to be dishonest about feelings now, with the internet and assumptions about other people's lives.  For me, it's not possible to not feel it. If I talk to you, I want to be around you.  If I am there, it's because of you and not obligation.  If I say hello to you or have a good day, I really mean that I want you to have a good day and will pray for it.  If I say I love you, I love you-even though you may have hurt me or I you.  I still love and everyone of those little things that don't get talked about just add to the wall that has been started by two people or sometimes more. 

  I know, I know-it's that "just life thing".  But, even though we have to be strong and deal with not knowing or trusting and losing or not trusting in the first place, we all still have a feeling about it, and again sometimes we cannot dictate the feeling before it sneaks up on us.  I feel everything, I think that's why moving forward has been so hard for me. Every person that didn't come to Joe's funeral or at least call me or send me a card hurt me terribly.  Everyone that didn't come to my wedding, even though I understood some of them hurt me.  Every person that I allowed into my life as a friend and at first I really took them on as friends (it's all I knew, I didn't have occasional friends or maybe they are, maybe they aren't friends), anyone that didn't seem to notice me being sick or took the time to check on me after my surgery or even just for the hell of it.  It all hurts everytime I invite someone to be a part of my life or even more Joey's and it gets turned down in whatever way.  I am glad however that he is not as thin skinned as I am, lucky kid.  I took everyone and everything at face value and am hurt everytime I realize that the feelings weren't necessarily true on all parts, that either the distance or the wall was just too big already and it takes me longer to see it.  But this is the way things are and I can't make them different but I do have to realize what really is true, it just seems impossible to tell when we want the good feelers so badly.

  I have lots more to say, mostly trying to make sure I didn't hurt anyone's feelings, but I'm going to stop. I know these super long blog posts can get really boring and annoying.  Maybe I'll try for a short one tomorrow.

   I'm so thankful to everyone who has made me feel good or listened to me or responded or loved me. I more I appreciate the worse it hurts when you aren't there.  I'm not blaming anyone or griping at anyone or even trying to make anyone feel bad and I truly hope that that doesn't happen.  If I hurt you, I never intend to.  Sometimes I think people can't believe that I'm really such a sap or that I'm really THAT mushy, but I am.  If someone is mean or hurts me, I don't hate them, I hurt for them and I'm sad for me, for the loss, for what I no longer have and whether or not I ever really had it.

   I found myself wanting so badly to be taken care of today and to be able to cry and fall and know that I would be caught or that someone would give me a true soft place to fall, someone who would do it again too ").  I also found it hard to allow that to happen, I don't trust it and it scares me to think that I want to and at some point will have to.  I don't wanna be wrong again.  I don't want to lose anyone I love to the "just life thing" or worse to something that I or they did to add to that wall. 

  All of my mourning and grief is not just about JOe, it's about the way that I thought the world was before I lost him.  I dealt with this sort of thing all my life, and usually blamed myself and sometimes I know it was my fault.  I never did realize why it seemed easier to leave for everyone that left than it was for me to lose them, in some cases for years.  Then I thought I was proven wrong and let go and took life in and really really felt and had and did and hoped and thought and learned and lived and I thought I knew up until that day when I realized that the truth was what I already knew, I just got a break from living it for awhile. 

  I promise I"m OK, just thinkin'  maybe too much.

  SMOOCHIES AND HAPPY SPRINKLES <-----
and you know I truly mean it

I MIGHT POSSIBLY MAYBE HAVE A FEW ISSUES

I'm sitting here at the computer. It's 3:19am on Thursday morning November 4, 2010.


At 3:04am, I decided I was going to force myself to stop obsessing over organizing files and cleaning house to blog.

Shawn's been asleep for hours, he works in the am, well a few hours. Joey fell asleep quick tonight and I just heard him laughing in his sleep (the most beautiful sound).

I don't even know where to start. I realize that my behavior is odd and I guess that's why I'm sharing. I've known for a long time that I was OCD, had PTSD, anxiety, agoraphobia...all kinds of fun stuff that has been affecting my everyday life pretty intensely for the last 5 years (since I lost Joe).

I have a tendency to go from lazier than hell to completely manic. Yeah, like bipolar, but apparently there are different levels. So when I am manic, it's goal oriented, and since I don't work because of above noted issues, my goals are oriented on my house and my son.

My stepson decided a few months back that he didn't want to come here anymore, that's a whole 'nother story. Anyway, my house isn't good enough for him. Then his mother said she was told by Shawn's family that our house was barely habitable!?!?!?. The thought that anyone would imply that I have my son in an unsafe environment sends me into a frenzy. Joe and I bought this house with cash when we moved down here and worked our asses off to make it a home. After Joe died, my bff, Barb and I worked like crazy on it, and then when Shawn moved in, he started working on it too. I asked my son the other day if he thought we should start looking for a new house, and asked what kind he would like. He told me that "my home is at home"

Here are a few pics of my "uninhabitable" home. I also regularly have mandatory reporters in my home because of the agencies we work with for Joey's autism. Anyway, the before and after pics are really cool and make me super proud, maybe that will be the next post.

In the meantime, you can check on my FB. http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/album.php?id=1362305463&aid=2029130

Got sidetracked, sorry, another one of my issues. I just get really passionate about some things, especially if it has to do with my son.

My point was that the issues with my stepson and husband's family triggered a massive need to begin an intense and lengthy super cleaning, super reorganizing and sorting and moving and changing and so on and so forth. The biggest problem with this is that it is impossible to get what I feel I have to do done. I see a project and then while doing that one, I see another and then comes a whole domino effect with which the only feeling possible is failure. But I keep going and with each project, there is a sense of urgency. I have to get it done now, I can't have tools or paint or sorting tubs sitting out. I can work my butt off and be crazy and have everything in a room out and I have to have it back to a home before I can sleep.

I was sorting sheets and blankets into tubs by size today so they aren't so hard to find, I have a tub that I'm putting give away stuff in and I also have a little tub for Halloween stuff sitting on the couch, and I've just been putting decorations and costumes in it a little at a time. There are still more sheets to sort and plenty of room in the give away tub and some more decorations to pack up. So it would make sense to most people to just leave them where they are and finish up tomorrow. I, however, am obsessed with the fact that the tubs are in the living and not in a storage area. Since I was obsessed about that, it prompted me to clean up everything around them so that it didn't look lazy or messy. That led to another cleaning project, then as I'm putting away clothes from the laundry I did around 1am, I was suddenly ashamed that I hadn't done my nails in a couple weeks (mostly cuz of the constant projects).

I'm a developer in a fun program called IMVU. It's like instant messenger, The Sims and Facebook all together, a 3D real time instant messaging. I've created tons of things and want to do some things I haven't done yet. So anyway, I was downloading sound clips, movie quotes, voices, etc to use and I couldn't stop. I downloaded thousands and then bookmarked the really really big archives that I knew would have me downloading for hours. Yesterday it was Betty Boop pictures and sounds. The day before was music. The thing is that I'm so afraid to miss something good that I try to get everything...everything. Every file on every page of every website. It's so overwhelming, but I really can't make myself not look at that next page or listen to that next file...it might be the best one ever. I do this at the store too, go up and down every aisle usually twice and look at every single item. I'm afraid I'll miss a sale or forget something or a cool new product I would just die without. Garage sales and thrift stores are the worst, I guess since they aren't usually as organized. I will look at every piece of clothing, every craft, every toy, every record, every book, ever item there is just so I don't miss the good one.

I've been like this for awhile, but I never really thought it was a problem, I'm just very thorough, right?

Well...as I'm going through page after page of downloading awesome files, all with great planned projects attached to them of course, I start getting annoyed about the state of my computer files. All mixed up and pictures in different places and unorganized. So I have spent the last few hours going through every folder on my computer and sorting every file. I have thousand of songs, tens of thousands of pictures and textures and now around a thousand sound clips. I have this need to sort each of those into smaller categories. Pictures by who they are or should I do it by when they were taken or should I do it by the event. Better yet, I can copy the pictures that have more than one person so it will be in each of their folders so I don't miss any pics of anyone ever. As I go through this, I inevitably come up with more categories and more folders and more ways to sort and organize and each one seems better than the last. Textures, music and sound files and autism documents and Joey school stuff are all done like this. Well, prolly shouldn't say done, lol.

Even more annoying is that there has to be consistency in how all of these folders and files are named. They have to be the same. If I do the name in all CAPS, then they all have to be that way, and when I mess up, I will go through them all again. Sometimes, I'll get mostly through and think of something or some way I would rather do it and then just repeat and go through every singles one with my new "can't live without it that way" idea. Then of course, sorting files you always find more or some that are misplaced and so they have to be replaced and then where they are replaced to has to be resorted and checked for duplicates and renamed if needed so they match......

You get the idea.

It's now 4:09am and I'm still stressing about those tubs of sorted sheets in the living room. It's almost a physical need to get up and put them in storage, but logically makes no sense.

I usually can take a nap during the day so sleep isn't a really big deal. Tomorrow though, I have appointments, therapy (thank God), flu shot, horse riding. I won't have time to do all of this stuff tomorrow and then it will just go into another day without being done and then the urgency increases until I can't take it anymore and then it's a here and now must do and fast.

Finally, on top of all of that, when I'm finally "finished" with a project, I always always always think of something I wish I would have done instead. A different shade of paint or a different shelf for the tubs or different way to put the dishes in the cabinets.

I don't know if this has anything to do with losing Joe or issues I already had. I like to think that I don't really care what people think, but what people think can hurt you and can cause tons of problems and who needs that with all these projects "). I rarely have company or people over because I know that I don't have everything perfect yet. It's always "after I get this done", then.... -but the impossible cannot ever be done.

I have to force myself to lay down, if I don't get to sleep in the next half hour, I won't wake up to get Joey ready for school and no naptime tomorrow, stuff to do. So I'm already feeling negative about tomorrow, which will certainly set me off on the wrong foot. Even consciously knowing all of this, I still feel it-that's the really sucky part.

I see a piece of tape up on the door where I had some Halloween decorations that I have to get and I see the mirror is kinda dusty too and I was kind of in the middle of working on my computer files (there's tons and tons to do). I will make myself get the tape and leave the mirror and computer....baby steps I guess. It makes me sick to know that I won't be able to get it all done. Sleeping feels like such a lazy thing with all that I think needs to be done.

Shawn wanted to hang out on the couch and watch TV and I couldn't even fathom sitting and watching TV and not doing projects at the same time-that would be literally painful for me I think. I guess that's maybe what triggered the obsessiveness today. Oh well, here's hoping I can get The Joey off to school and my fanny to therapy tomorrow, I think I might need an extra hour there ")

SMOOCHIES ALL AND HAPPY SPRINKLES ALL OVER YOU

JEN

OUR SCOUT DRAMA

This is long and kind of scattered but you get the idea-was gonna edit it, but decided to leave it with the passion with which it was written.

--Well, it's been an interesting ride so far.  What the hell has happened to scouts, I know this is not the way it's supposed to be and how dare anyone take something that has potential to be so wonderful and character
building and fun and adventurous, away from a child or anyone for that matter.

I wanted to make a statement of my experience so far with scouting with my son.
There is some good and so much potential for good at the begininning, but there are some problems that are unacceptable and go
against everything that scouting stands for and I'm pretty sure most would agree.
Please read as I need advice and help, cuz as most of you know-you don't mess with my kid's happiness ").

I am shocked and devastated and believe I have watched the destruction of what could have been an incredible asset to the community as I believe is one of the main purposes of scouting.

 My son, Joey aka The Joey is autistic so when we wanted to join scouts, it was the first thing he had seen and requested todo.  He saw then packleader/denleader Patrick in full uniform and said "I want to be like him"-what a huge thing for an autistic kid, so hell yeah he was joining cub scouts.

I have always had a positive view of scouting from my own girl scouts and also from my cousins, uncles, aunts, friends, classmates...I honestly never saw anything bad happen like what's going on here.

   Their were a few people that made us feel very comfortable and welcome and then the ones that sat back and completely ignored us, well and everyone, I don't remember feeling like that in scouts...ever.

   We ran into Patrick at the pack meeting, and his wife Suzy.  There son Riley was in Joey's den and I realized that I had seen their daughters around town and they had always been awesome with Joey and kind to us.  Patrick would be the den leader for the Bears that Joey was so excited to be a part of.  After talking with them, I found that Patrick was a paraprofessional in St Joe that worked with autistic kids and was also an EMT and firefighter, so needless to say, I felt very comfortable and relieved that someone that had experience with autism would be our den and pack leader and that we would be able to make scouts a positive part of Joey's life and growth.  I met the other den leaders, one was "J", who's wife happened to have been Joey's para in summer school and "G", who has a son with aspergers.
Needless to say, I felt like we were exactly where we were supposed to be.
Even better, a lot of the kids went to school with Joey and knew about his autism and have always been helpful and fair to him.

We went to Super Saturday and Joey and we had an amazing time.  Joey was over the moon at being able to do things that honestly I never thought he would or even that I wouldn't be too scared to let him.  It opened up a whole new world and to have leaders I could trust with my son made it even better.  We were all a family from the beginning.  He loved it so much that he was saying everyday for the next 2 weeks that he wanted to go back to "Camping Geiger"

A couple others were kind to us also but then there were a few that were very unapproachable and even intimidating and I could tell that they were annoyed with my son's normal imperfect autistic behaviors, even when they didn't last long because of interventions in my arsenol of mommy tricks.  I, of course, did not have any contact with or even knew who these people were and was never introduced or welcomed by them. Patrick ran the pack meetings and Suzy had a big part in designing and creating games, backdrops for themes and making sure there were snacks and anything that was needed. Their daughters even manned the games and snacks to help out.  I was very impressed with the team effort I was seeing and was going to be a part of
my son becoming a well rounded productive man in spite of the autism.

I fell in love with the other boys instantly and they were very receptive and caring with Joey, they asked questions and automatically befriended him and tried to learn how best to help him be a part of the den.  Joey was very excited anytime he got to wear his bear uniform and go to scouts. The boys, leaders and scouts became his new love and I was even able to use scouts as a reinforcer in helping with some of the other issues that autism can bring.

So the fall of 2009 was amazing.  Scouting was everything I thought it could be and had a huge impact on Joey and vice versa.
I decided then that I wanted to be a leader.  I had a lot of ideas and hopes and have always sought to help and be open to kids and also to teach them about acceptance and autism and tolerance. Joey was very proud to earn his bobcat and did it quickly.
He was writing the promise, law and motto everywhere.  the hard part was that he wanted to wear his uniform all the time ").
So together the kids did their requirements and at Blue and Gold in April became junior webelos (Joey had a hard time not wearing his bear stuff but when he realized it was like a new grade, he accepted the webelos gear).  I had a hard time letting go and still do, but was very proud that my son was becoming independent and doing so many amazing things and developing what I thought would be lasting relationships.  These people had become our friends and family and became one of the most important aspects in our lives, especially in my son's.  There was love, trust, honesty, mentoring, teaching, friendship and teamwork.
I knew this was gonna be great for my son and a big step for autism awareness as well.

We only missed one den meeting because Joey was sick, we went on outings and did everything we could with scouts.  I wrote a skit for them to do at a pack meeting and did pinewood derby, helped set up for Blue and Gold that Suzy cooked and ordered everything for and helped the boys do what all they needed to do. I signed up to be a leader at Blue and Gold and my husband, Shawn had already been a committee member.

   Now the icky stuff starts.....

In talking with friends, kids and parents, I found that a lot of boys had quit scouts and were not excited about going back even knowing I would be a leader.  It really surprised and saddened me.  I was really shocked at how many people had a "bad taste" for scouting in our small town.

I went to my first committee meeting after the boys becoming webelos and my becoming a leader.  I was a little concerned as far as being a parent and knowing what was going on and when and not understanding the camps and how the committe was supposed to work and who was in charge, etc. I had some ideas and couldn't wait to share with the group. I asked a few questions. Suzy and Patrick were there, along with Shawn, "P", the two "C"sand "D".  I mentioned a calender that I would like for the parents to get so they know what's upcoming with the pack and dens, I also asked about a website, I felt that it would be another
good way to keep parents informed,  I found hadn't been updated in a while. I was also told that we couldn't have a paper calender, no one else could do a website or even update the one that was there...basically it seemed that no one could do anything.  There wasn't a secretary, I had never met the treasurer and no other chair positions were filled. I didn't even realize until then that there were chair positions as I had seen Suzy and Patrick do all of what I found later to be the different chairs responsibilities.  From setting up outings and activities to keeping notes and making sure that everything was ready and all paperwork was in.  Suzy was the one that contacted the campsites, the park, the community center and anyone else that was needed to do the things we were supposed to do.  I did feel that if they didn't do it, it wouldn't have gotten done, it was expected.  When I realized that the committee was supposed to be doing this stuff and not just 1 or 2 people, I was surprised.
It was almost like people were scared to say...well pretty much anything.  There were so many things that I was told "R" says we can't do that" without explanation.  I didn't understand why we couldn't make it easier, if not my way, but in some way, for the parents to know what's going on and what they needed to do to help their kids succeed and be a part of scouting. "R" was not at the meeting, Suzy called him and asked if there was anything he wanted talked about and he said to take notes and that's about it.  "R" is the committee chair.  So I was confused about where he was, why I hadn't met him, why my son didn't know who he was, why for everything I suggested was I hearing ""R" said we can't do that", and honestly why he was chair if he didn't
want to do the things the chair is supposed to do.  I found that his kids had moved to the troop and "R" was a chair on the troop committee as well.  I honestly had only seen him a few times, sitting in the back of the pack meeting silently and setting up the projector for two events.  I know at first I asked him a question a couple times and was completely ignored so I just went to someone else, usually Patrick.  Everyone was kinda quiet and afraid to say anything.  I was shocked, there was serious lack of teamwork and communication and seemed to be someone just sitting up there going "no you can't" why "because I said". I asked why he was still committee chair if all of these things weren't happening as they should, I couldn't imagine scouting had made it a hundred years like this.  I had been told basically to watch out for him.  There were several other committee
members that were just as upset as I was-names if requested-that were saying that if he didn't wanna do the job or he wasn't doing the job or wasn't able to do the job, that he should step down and cut ties. So it was decided not by one person but by several that we would request a meeting to address these issues.  We agreed that we needed to do something to get this pack working as it should.  One member offered to have his father who is successful in scouts, come and show us how to do it.  We all thought it was a great idea.

Next thing that I received or heard was a forwarded email from Patrick requesting the meeting with "R" for the following Monday and then a forwarded reply from "R" "We will need to do the committee meeting Tuesday night I have a troop meeting at the church".

That Tuesday I received a call from Suzy very upset that she had received a phone call from "K" ("R"'s wife and Charter Org Rep) that was confrontational.  She was very upset, she was being accused of starting a witchhunt and so on.  She had said she was going to quit and I talked her into going ahead and coming to the committee meeting.  I was nervous because I had been told of several instances of people-adults and kids-being yelled at or reprimanded for simple questions or desicions.

  Shawn and I arrived at the meeting and "G", "R", Russ"R2" and "C" were there. "R" suggested restarting the meeting and they agreed.  "R" began by saying that this was an open meeting and anyone could say anything about any issue.  No one said anything and so I started.  I asked "R" what all he did as Committee chair and he told me he was in charge of the administrative things and I asked what administrative things and he was not happy.  He said that he has done everything he's supposed to do as Committee Chair.  I disagreed and pulled out the lists I had printed with job descriptions for each committee member. The first one he did, I listed a couple that he had not been doing, especially with regards to parents and scouts.  He said at one point that he didn't even want the job and so I asked him why he hadn't moved on and I was told that there needed to be a replacement and I asked why have we not done that in addition to assigning other committee positions so that things were actually getting done.  "G" stepped in as there was obvious tension-which I'm told is fairly typical-and said that he would take the chair position if it would help keep us and things running.  Everyone agreed and it was made clear that "R" would have to stay on and help get "G" and the other committee members trained.  "R" said that it had been a "one man show"-I said that it couldn't have been, what about the parents, the scouts, the leaders and "R2" interrupted and said I wasn't understanding and that it was a one
man show, I did interrupt and he asked if he could finish (at this point voices were raised) and I said yes as long as he's not yelling at me.  He immediately got up to leave and was very upset and wondering what the tension was about.  I do know that he and "R" are good friends and feel he was being protective of him, which I understand but it doesn't change the things that still needed to be done for our kids. "J", another member of the committee said that we needed to get these things done and that he had never seen a committee or pack have trouble like this and that he talks to other scout adults and this stuff isn't happening there. At this point "K" had arrived and Patrick and Suzy had arrived and none of them had been involved yet.  I asked why we
were not making these changes then.  "K" than said that they were trying to solve some things and then "M" got pushed out.("M" is a previous committee member before I was there, it was said that Suzy and Patrick speerheaded that ousting)  So Suzy was very upset as this comment was obviously directed at her and Patrick and said about being called and yelled at for 45 minutes at home with her kids being accused of trying to get them out.  At this point she was very upset and left the meeting with "K" saying "Look at you, cussing in a church" Suzy was already leaving so I'm not sure why "K" continued.   "G" again tried to alleviate some of the tension and it was agreed that we would try to move forward and start anew and not go back to he said, she
said and past issues. 

I started again with as a parent, I didn't feel that I was getting information or instruction or even know who I needed to go to with ideas or concerns as I didn't know who was who on the committee and who was in charge of what. "R" said that it was the leaders job and not his and again that he did everything he was supposed to. So again it got heated and again someone alleviated it, I believe "J".  So I asked about the website and about a calender and about who the council members were and how to reach them for the parents.  "R" asked why should he have to tell the parents this stuff and I said why wouldn't you let them
know, it's not hurting it can only help.  At this point "R" walked out.

"K" then tried to take over and said that they were told that "Pastor" accepted Suzy and Patricks resignation. Suzy had come back in at some point and was adamant that she didn't say anything about Patrick resigning and "K" argued with her that she said she and her son would go elsewhere so it was assumed that Patrick would too.  "Pastor" was out of town and told "K" on the phone that he accepted the resignations and oh well "Pastor" accepted them so it's the case. I also addressed this fact that until we find out more and actually have a meeting with "Pastor" and others that we couldn't make a decision regarding what was said or anything until we know for sure.  Patrick was asking what he was supposed to do re: the upcoming pack meeting and also den meetings and the list of things that we had come up with to do at the last committee meeting, that Patrick
and Suzy were doing.  The meeting ended on a stable note and it was agreed that we would get more information and move forward instead of looking back, we moved forward in possibilites for committee members and "J" said he could probably do the Outings chair and I said I could do the PR or Secretary but would have to make sure.  I offered a list of all the job responsibilities list for all of the committee positions and they were accepted by most members.

I then started receiving emails from "P" with ideas and decisions for the pack meeting.  I was a little surprised that Patrick was not a part of this or even sent the info as a parent.  I received emails regarding the upcoming (first webelo meeting for our kids) with no mention of Patrick.  When I arrived at the meeting last Monday as a leader, I told them that Patrick had to work but that "G" who prior was assistant den leader would be here.  The other leader said "Oh I thought Patrick was gone" and I said that no I didn't think so and that I hadn't heard any decision.  I talked to Patrick prior to the meeting and he hadn't been told anything either. Patrick and Suzy's son who is with my son as a new webelo was at and participated in the meeting.  "G" also attended the meeting agreeing that he didn't know what was going on either.

A couple days later I received a message that from Suzy upon my inquiry if she had heard anything that she, Patrick and Riley-their 9 year old son and friend of the others were asked to leave completely.

 At this point is when I decided that this was no longer a wait and see issue.  There was no reason for them to be removed, they hadn't done anything wrong.  They did not start a "witchhunt" as they said.  I'm the one who began to question things as well as other committee members. There were a lot of parents and scouts that we had lost as well because of the issues and dysfunction.

Patrick and Suzy OConnor had done 90 percent of keeping this pack running.  They made themselves known to and vice versa the scouts and parents. They were very involved and encouraging and quite capable and positive influences and were definitely do this for their son and the other boys.  To my son and I, they were in charge and they were doing things, they gave me information when I asked.  They were there for
whatever was needed and the boys recognized them as friends and leaders as well and trusted them completely as did I.

I received an email from the other webelo leader that it was official Patrick was gone and asking what parts we wanted to take in continuation of the den.  I haven't been able to answer, I really want to be a part of these boys lives and to keep Joey's friends and status intact. But I do not think that going against my trust and beliefs and ignoring something that I believe is so wrong and against what scouting means will help anyone and is definitely not being true to myself or my son or friends or family.

I don't understand that the laws and ideals behind scouting could be ignored so clearly and that this could even happen. First to ask Suzy and Patrick to leave when they were the ones that led and were trusted and adhered to scout morals and ethics that I felt were important to scouting and the reason that I was so excited and positive that being a scout would be beneficial to my son and to me.


Kicking a 9 year old out is appalling to me. He loves scouting and was very good at it, as were the other members of the new webelos. They advanced together and became friends to my son and each other.  I had started to see social behaviors that most autistic kids really aren't expected to do.  They were a team along with Patrick, Suzy, "G" and I and there were no issues within the team at all aside from me wanting to get more information to the parents.

There is the option of going to another pack which we have been invited to. Patrick and Suzy and Riley and me and my son deserve to be in a pack here in our town that we helped to build and move forward. Transition will be difficult for Riley and even moreso with Joey as any transition is for an autistic child, especially with something that he loves so much. I can't stay in a pack that will kick out a 9 year old cuz your mad at his mom, because she was the accused when the Charter Org's husband was questioned about what he did or didn't do as Committe Chair.  It has broken hearts as Patrick was a real friend to these boys.  I loved them, several from our neighborhood and JOey's class. I do not want to let them down as well as the other webelo leaders but I can't stand by and be a part of something so wrong and to have to see these kids suffer and fear being kicked out of scouts.

I don't know if other committee members are backtracking or keeping quiet so that they won't get in trouble. It seems to be the usual with "R" as Chair, no one likes to get in trouble or be yelled at, especially in front of kids or parents.  I feel that the BSa has made it a hundred years and have procedures in place to deal with these issues and I believe they have been completely ignored in preference of not pissing someone off.

This is nothing that I ever thought scouts would be in my life or community or especially in my son's world.

I am devastated that something that was so wonderful and beneficial for all of these kids and parents and the things that we could have done have been destroyed by bitterness and accusations and in my opinion flat out meanness and power trips and personal feelings.

What has happened is completely wrong and I have trouble fathoming even how it got this far when no one did anything wrong or
immoral or unethical
but the people that are still in charge.

I was since told that the 3-"R", "K" and "Pastor" were doing interviews for committee and leader positions. So far
those that were outspoken
even if they were already leaders or had already agreed to a committee position have yet to be called.

I do not know what procedure from here is, but I do know that if this is allowed or ignored then everything I ever thought
scouting meant
from the time I was in Brownie's is destroyed.

As of today-I've been asked to be Webelo leader and we have also been invited to join pack in Cameron. Riley has not been allowed back to our pack, I really can't be a part of a group that will kick a 9 year old out of scouts and away from friends that he loves.  I'm very sad for those who allowed this and also to those that are doing nothing to stand up for what is right.  If we were a team as we should be, then this would not have happened.

CRAZY CULMINATION OF ALL FREAK OUT DREAMS

OK, so I was gonna post this on my statuses but it's just too big.  I haven't blogged in awhile even though I've wanted to about a million things.  It just seems like I can't figure out where to start.
Anyway, this one tops all of those can't remember my locker combination dreams ever ")

So, here's what I remember.....
I remember being in a drama class and actually getting a small part, well two different ones in a play.  So excited and nervous cuz I always wanted to do this stuff but was always too chicken.  The play was the next day.
So I'm up the next day and trying to find all my stuff for school but couldn't remember what all I needed and then Larry Owens called me and while I was on the phone with him, I walk outside and my yard was like so flooded and I look over and there's like waterfalls and rock slides and as soon as I tried to tell him about it, my phone disappeared.  So now I have a flooded yard and invisible phone and rock slides but I was still determined to go to the play because I didn't want to let anyone down or get in trouble. 
Then this cave appears in my yard with all of this stuff I'd missed all my life or forgotten what happened too, like my letter jacket.  Then I flash back to trying to get ready and I couldn't even think of what all I needed to take and started loading my car, then I realize Shawn is gone as his stuff was more important or something.  He left me with no cigs, no pop, no gas in my crappy car, a flood in the yard and a ton of extra kids in the house with no sitter.  So then I realized that I couldn't find my script, couldn't remember my lines or even who I was supposed to be, cuz we only went over it once.  Then I realized that I couldn't remember where the drama room was to get a new script even if I could get there. Then I realized that I couldn't remember my locker combo or what classes I had that day or where the office was to find out.  Then more-I realized I couldn't even remember my locker number and had no way of telling anyone and disappointed,  I wanted to be in that play so bad.  ....and then I kind of woke up.  There's a few other things but I think you get the idea, talk about a little stress ")

For You

     The need to write is so intense.  The hard part is settling on where to start.  There are always so many things in my head and on my heart, and I want to share everything...I'm not sure with who, maybe just myself. 
     I want to make a difference and writing is one way to do that.  I fantasize sometimes that the right person will read my writing and one of my poems ends up being one that is hanging in everyone's bedroom or that sticks with  someone and changes their life. 
     Mostly though....I just write the truth.  For anyone that reads it, they know that they are hearing me and only me and all of me (if possible).  There are so many things I want to share...so many miracles, desires, stories, memories....more than I could ever actually write.  I think maybe I'll make a topic bowl and draw one everyday to write about because Lord knows I've got something to say about everything. 
     I enjoy writing and only realized a year or so ago that it was a dream.  I've tried fiction and I kinda suck at it as I find the real stuff hard to get away from and also a lot more interesting.  I can change the names but the story is always familiar.
     I've got to write more because not writing is a regret that I can change at any time. 
     I've got to write because I want people to understand me.
     I've got to write because I need to understand myself.
     I've got to write because I want to change people's lives.
     I've got to write because I want others to know they are not alone.
     I've got to write because there are so many stories that can't just disappear.
      I've got to write because then I'm here-who I am is in what I write and what I write is who I am.  I can't write any other way.  
     I also think that the person I write about is a lot more interesting, real and true than the person I see in the mirror or the person that can't get out of bed or the person I am in front of other people.  I can't hide when I write.  I can't be anyone but me and I have nothing to hide-there is no one that I'm afraid of anyone here and I'm not worried about hurting anyone or if I'm gonna step on toes. I don't have to witness any judgment or worry about someone misreading a look or tone.

     Don't get me wrong, I'm not fake but there's so much more to me than what can be seen, as I'm sure is with everyone.  
     I want you know me and I want you to like me.  I want to be someone that makes a difference in your life-preferably in a good way.  I want to help you, I want to make you see things differently, I want to make you think, I want you to feel and I want to share all of my feelings with you.
Goodnight

Weight Issues

I'm watching Discovery Health about obesity and the home in Andover and I feel so sorry for them because of the work and willpower it will take to get healthy and where they want to be.
2 years ago when I got married to Shawn, I weighed 104 and felt beautiful and small and was able to wear the cutest clothes-so much variety and style.  I didn't have any problems wearing anything and my wedding dress was beautiful and validated how I want to look.  I do realize how vain this sounds.  I was doing ok but started gaining weight this past summer. I quit smoking in May when I had a bout of asthma.  I apparently was give a too high dose of steroids.  I've also been on Seroquel XR for quite some time and that can lead to weight gain.  So from say May till October I gained almost 50 pounds. 
I definitely feel different-I've never had to be so limited on clothing and was really shocked at the choices in comparison to "skinny" clothes-especially since my weight now is more the norm than before.  Plus my body feels like it's not all mine and I certainly feel like someone else when I look in the mirror-I have no problem
with weight, it's just not me.
So there are tons of options and ideas to lose weight-however I don't exactly have the willpower or what I like to call say-no-ability, especially if I'm having a bad day or feeling like I'm never gonna get back where I want to be. 
I walk on the treadmill, till I hurt my foot and have been doing a lot of crunches and at the very least trying to ease up on my amount of food-one good thing is that in the winter I'm not usually as hungry.  The hundred calorie snack packs or slimfast do not work for me cuz I can just have another, lol-defeating the whole purpose.
What I think would help is one of the food delivery weight loss places-problem with those is the cost-it's impossible for someone like me to afford.  But I also know with that limitation to just their food would make a huge difference.
Surgery of course would help-tummy tuck, lipo, whatever-but there is the cost and also I do not like going through surgery ever never ever.
So what I guess I'll be doing is continuing to eat less-say no an extra couple times a day and try to stay active-hard to do with my hurt footsie and just make sure I don't deprive myself because that usually leads to binge eating and no, I don't throw up after.  I'll get my body back, just gonna take more work I guess now that I'm getting older. 
I still have all my real Jennie clothes and will be wearing them again.
Oh-I did get some great bigger boobs with this weight which when I'm dressed helps actually make me look a little smaller, but the weight is still there and I know it so it's not ok by me, but I do hope that God will let me keep the boobs as a bonus for my hard work. ")

12-1-09 JOYFULLY THANKFUL

This has been a very very unusual year, month, week, day-everything.  First of the year my dad died which really splintered our family more than it already was.  Then I had crazy surgery on my shoulder and a few days later Shawn got downsized.  We did OK on unemployment but no insurance and unable to pay child support.  Lots of crazy money stuff happened-Car got repoed-always paying cut off notices-had to do work on the house-you know all the stuff that us poor folks go through.  It's funny how when there is a financial problem it feels like the biggest thing on the planet.  Then there's the kids,  I know that we don't have to keep up with the Joneses or that the meaning is more important than the gift and that as long as you love them.....But there really is something to seeing my son smile.

-First of all, it was embarrassing to me to not have what my friends did or anything even close.  It was humbling that my friends gave me hand me down clothes so that I didn't feel as awkward and I used to sew the legs of our cheap jeans for my sister and I-hoping that we would fit in more.  Even now-it's not as important, I'm not sewing up jeans but people still have a first impression and a lot of that has to do with our appearance, our home, our kids clothing, how much we can buy at the fundraisers or donate, it's just the way it is.  

-Secondly, I've found that even if you don't have the material things that you can still make a little house with issues a home and send your kids to school clean and dressed and find ways to have fun and make the kids happy and safe.  

I think we always want to do more.

-This year a friend and family did the ultimate and game my son and then me a horse-I know right.  Before Joe died he had had back surgery and was in the hospital for a week, when he got out JOey was in school and Joe was standing on the porch when he got off the bus and that "Daddy is Home" face is the one I would give anything to see again.  I got to see it-after 4 years when Joey realized that Trigger was really his.  I cried a lot that night and more-I was so happy-a little jealous maybe that I couldn't give it to him myself, or get that look from him again.  But it was worth everything to see it and feel it.

-Joey's birthday and Thanksgiving kinda came together and I always want Joey to have the best birthday parties I can give him and it was great and so was Thanksgiving and we have had some great times with the horses and my friends family.

-Financial stuff seems to sneak up on me-like I have everything under control and then "oops" no I don't and usually it's a pretty big sneak up, it's so crazy all the things that happen.  You see I worry about everything so the something that always happens always freaks me out cuz there are so many other crappy things that I did expect.  I know, not healthy-working on that part. ")

-I have been trying to lean on God and thank God for friends who send up prayers and kind words here and there-it's so warming and loving to let someone know that you are thinking about them and even more talking to God about them.  

-When Joe died-a ton of people wanted to help and in the position I was in, I didn't feel like it was my fault and knew that I did need the help so it wasn't hard to take although I'm usually so grateful and thankful that I annoy people, lol-a lot of people did a lot of nice things.

-This time I guess I just feel like I should be doing better and maybe that it is my fault and therefore don't deserve the help.  I want it of course especially for the kids.  I could have done so much more this year and spent less and been more careful, been further with all my mental stuff.  But then you wake up and your in the situation-I would love to be like some people and blame it on someone else, but I can't.  I know what I've spent and I know sometimes I just don't think. There are so many more people more deserving than me.

 -I always watch the lotto winners and stuff and think that-Holy Wow-I just want a couple thousand-I would be like fine with it and it would be worth a million to me.  I've felt kind of anxious and not sure why.  I think that there are so many other people more deserving than me.  I'm thinking "OK, if I did win a couple thousand, would I feel scared or guilty or undeserving?"....NO I wouldn't, not even close. 

-So many people now are having to go on food stamps, medicaid, unemployment, food pantries and clothes closets-so I really hope that the shame and stereotyping is diminishing.  There are times when I've been OK, and times when I've needed help.  When I'm OK I try to help others and when I've needed help I've tried to be grateful and humble and to pay it forward as soon as I can.

-I'm trying to decide if I feel more like Cousin Eddie or like Bubba's Mama in Forrest Gump, LOL 

-So today, I've decided to shut up, quit whining and just trust God and He's shown me that He's here as He has so many times before-Oh and so is Santa Claus-")---for me, anxiety is a given, that's gonna be there, but what I can have some control over is shame,  I'm not anywhere that God hasn't brought me and same for Santa-so I will do my very best to be joyfully thankful and not ashamed.  The joy will be in that "Daddy is home" look on my son's face and Brent's when I'm able to clear the way for a little dream or two to come true. 

-It's nice to have dreams again and to see that they can come true as Sir Ulrich says "You can change your stars"

-And to everyone that has helped me or anyone else or just said a few nice words to someone or to tell someone you've prayed for them or that they feel better soon or they bring fudge to ya ")-or been kind in so many other ways-GOD BLESS YOU!!!!  There really are no words than those that are more fitting "GOD BLESS YOU!!!!"

9-21-09-BLOG CONTINUED HERE AS OF TODAY

I was going to open a blog on blogspot in the hopes it would be easier to find and read more than this poor hidden one-and I found I already had one started I had forgotten about. Both have a lot of different things but all things that are important to me-I hope you like my writing and my poetry and I hope even more that something I say can help someone. Most of all, I hope it helps you get to know me especially me.

I have copied all my blog entries over here so they may be new posts but are from a little bit earlier time-some poetry I'm proud of also. All the way to the beginning is before my late husband died-things are so different over the years.

Hope you enjoy reading.
Thanks so much.

6-30-09-repost-MORE THINKING

Good morning-Good 5am in the morning to be exact. Once again I wonder why the hell I'm awake. Night has always been tough for me-ever since I was a kiddle-I'm sure there is some underlying reason in some repressed memory and I'll worry about that when I unrepress it "). In the meantime, I still have trouble with the night. Most of the time I think it's because night is the best time to think or in my case the worst. I'm able to distract myself everyday things throughout most of the day and don't plan on doing those things at night, so what is there to do? I know there are plenty of things, especially if you're with someone, however at some point in the night-you will be alone. I've learned that the thinking that I do usually ends up what's called "snowballing". That sucks too, cuz I can be thinking-lets see, what would be fun-okl...here-Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial can turn into a hundred things. It can go to the fact that I haven't had Fried Chicken since Joe died-and he made the best Fried Chicken ever-and used his recipe at Stables on Sundays and everyone loved it and I wish I had all of his recipes written down-what a huge loss on top of the general obvious loss and then of course that leads to all of the things that are just plain wrong and unfair about him, his death, my son, how much I've screwed up since then, and so on-it can get pretty bad. That my friends is just an example and I know that so many of you have felt the same way and gone through the same feelings, but when it's you, no one can tell you "well, just stop". I'm sure some can, but not me, trust me, I've tried, I do not like to feel like that and really it steals the day away from me and whoever is with me the next day. In fact, give me any topic and I can turn it into the end of the world within an hour. I can't say that there is one part of my journey that has taught me more or haunted me more. What I do know is that I'm not happy. I still feel like the widowed mom sitting and rocking her 4 year old autistic son, cuz he's wanting daddy and can't understand why he's not rocking him. I've taken some pretty major steps and had to be pushed a little by some caring or bossy or both ") friends. Still a lot of it is just lost on how I'm going to do anything until I do and for me doing is a big toughie. After 4 years-I actually think maybe it's harder now, cuz it isn't just me, a lot of people could be effected by my choices and that sucks too. I have been pretty sick like the last what, month and my doctor wants to test for COPD and the breathing problems really scared the crap out of me, but what got me the most is that 4 years ago-I would have automatically been drawn into a big italians arms and heart and he would protect me and help me do what I needed to do and take care of me and Joey and get mad at me if I didn't listen to the doc. But he would do this cuz I was his teammate, partner, friend and so much more-he genuinely loved me. I really really longed for that feeling. A little disclaimer for anyone that feels sorry for Shawn. I'm very honest with Shawn about my feelings for Joe. I do love Shawn and I know he loves me-we both also know that we have a lot of learning and building and compromising and just living to do to get to a place that we feel like we can really truly count on each other. Joe and I went through our share of troubles to get there as I'm sure any happily partnered friends of mine know that's what it takes for some of us. My son is still my lifeline and I do hope that better is ahead for both of us but mostly for him. I was talking to a friend tonight that was reminding me of coming out on the bright side and I was so happy that my friend got to see that bright side and gosh I sure hope he stays in it for a long time. A lot of times I worry though that for some of us the bright side is in the present or the future and for some of us we had it in the past. I don't really think you get a lot of extra shots at the bright side and really I don't deserve any of it more than anyone else on the planet. But here's the tough part-I WANT IT-I WANT IT SO BAD. I want to feel all those feelings again. I want to feel liked and loved and secure and safe and confident and happy and silly and that passion we had for each other and so much more. I want to feel in love again-not just loved but in love-the addiction to each other-the feeling of not being able to breath the same if we arent together-the listening to him breathing wondering what he's dreaming about and just hoping that I'm in there in a good part-the excitement when he gets home and the anxiety when I am waiting to hear the verdict on dinner. I miss it and I want it, it made everything else bearable and two of us could conquer the world. I do not know if it's out there again for me, but God I sure hope so. I'm feeling mostly on the no side right now, but only God knows for sure. To my friends and family and children and anyone, especially my husband, I want you to feel it too. I want you to know what all of what I said feels like-at least once-maybe for awhile, maybe forever, maybe only for a day. May you all feel real honest, true, addictive, passionate, secure and safe LOVE. For myself I can only say if I get it again-hell yeah- and if I don't-thank you for allowing me to feel that way-even for a short time.

4-8-09-repost-LOST BLOG

just spent over an hour on an entry that was probably the most heartfelt and honest entry ever and hit the wrong button and lost it. It took a lot for me to say the things I did. Maybe next time as it was also emotionally exhausting. I have a hard time writing because there is so much I want to say, it's hard for me to streamline into something that will make sense. I'm pretty sure that in most of my writing I skim over some things so that I'm gentle to everyone's feelings. I pretty much feel now that no one remembers or knows how strong my feelings are or how significant certain things were. But seeing as how I'm finding myself pretty much alone now, I feel that I have to be more clear and honest. I don't like to point fingers or hang dirty laundry but I really am tired of pretending that these things didn't exist or people taking advantage and not remembering how important connection, especially family connection is. I'm finding that family is becoming irrelavent in our daily lives and that is devastating to me and I really think will be robbing our children of what it means to be a family. I'm tired of people saying and acting out "Oh well". No, it's not oh well. These things matter, we matter, our feelings matter, my feelings matter. It's not ok to hurt me and then pretend nothing happened. It's not ok to hurt me and then act like I'm overreacting. It's not ok to hurt me and ignore me. It's not ok to hurt me and to pretend like it's my fault. It's not ok to hurt me and not even know you did it. It's not ok to hurt me and not care that you did. It's not ok to hurt me and then punish me. It's not ok to pretend like nothing is wrong. It's not ok to pretend that you are the only one that is right. It's not ok to throw away anything that God has given us to win against the others. It's not ok to take my family or friends away just because it's easier for them. It's not ok to decide you don't like me, don't need me, or don't care about and not even give me a reason or not have a reason. IT'S NOT OK TO HURT ME-IT'S NOT OK!!!!!

4-7-09-repost-Hmmmmmmmmmmmm-what to write about.....

So, wow....this SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not going to write about the same thing I always do, well, I'll try not to anyway. So I'm not sleeping, well I am, but not even close to a functional sleep pattern. I can't sleep at night hardly at all. I can be exhausted and can't keep my eyes open and I lay down and nothing-my brain will not rest. I've always had a lot of trouble with the whole thinking, mind running wild, endless worry and even panic, but this is different. There's a thousand things that go through my mind and they lead into each other almost like a dream, but the reality of everything I think about is the really scary part. At least in a dream you wake up, this is ongoing and hasn't stopped as long as I can remember. I had thought before that my panic and anxiety hampered what I did and it definitely has kept me from doing things that I feel that I could have, wanted to and should have. Now is different, it is preventing me from being more than a mother and a living human, but should be so much more. There is so much out there to be and to do and I really want to. I don't want to waste another day or even minute without being something more than I am. I get a lot of jump starts and things I get excited and passionate about and at first it's great and fulfilling and I'm proud of myself and always what I can do for others. But then I find myself in the same place...lonely, overwhelmed, a failure, lying awake night after night wondering why if I'm such a good person, then how come I'm the one that ends up being alone at the end of the day. Shawn is going to hate reading this and I'm so sorry if it hurts anyone, it's no ones fault but my own I'm sure. I just have no clue how to be different. I want to not care what people think of me or not let what anyone else does effect me, but that's just not me I suppose. I know also that most of the times I'm hurt which is a lot-there wasn't an intention of inflicting pain or hurt-but there also wasn't the intention of not hurting me. I don't think anyone that has hurt me even knows they have or that I still feel it so long after, usually because it makes no sense and I can't understand why I don't matter. I know a lot of people that read this will let me know that they care and that they are there for me and I'm so appreciative of that, now and past. I know the intention and caring is really there, and then there's those that it's there and they won't allow themselves to show it. However, after all the intentions and prayers and all the rest...I'm still the one that is sitting here at 6:20 in the morning alone and too confused to really be sad. I replay a hundred things in my head and try to figure out how someone could do this or that or how could they not care enough whether it's true or not. The thing is I never know, I feel like I'm on the outside of my life going, "she really is a cool girl, she makes me giggle sometimes and she loves everyone and wants to fix everything for them and loves her son as much as any mother ever could, so why does everyone go away, friends, family-they are there and there is so much meaning-how can they just not need her or want her, what makes her not worth the effort." I never considered myself high maintenance but I guess I am, emotionally anyway. I don't remember ever saying no to someone that needed me for anything, well except money cuz I never have any, but then they go home and then they are gone with acknowledgement or anything and I do not want any kudos or awards. I just want....I don't know what I want. I'm here and trying to think of something clever and insightful to say, but I really don't know. I can't seem to figure out why I don't fit in anywhere and never have. I've been there, but never an actual part...of whatever it is...ever. I'm easy to ignore...always have been, I never ever want to make waves, even if I'm entitled to or should. I hate for anyone to be mad at me, it's devastating and even more so when I can't understand why, or even if something happened that maybe I wasn't aware of.... Well, as you can see I'm completely a confused, sleepless, needy mess of an outcast. I think a lot of people see me differently but I promise most do not have any idea of the truth of me. I'm able to put on a good act for awhile, but I still know me and that's who I have to go to bed with each night and wow....just wow.

3-27-09-repost-DREAMS-AGAIN-IT NEVER ENDS

h my goodness...I really don't think I'm ever going to get over this Joe dyin' thing, I mean, I thought I was doing better then one of these crazy dreams just sends me back to what I really feel and what I've been trying to get past and to be at least healthy and moving forward instead of getting thrown back repeatedly into my confustion and inability to understand why and how this happened. The dreams themselves are getting worse. The last one I wrote about was pretty bad, this one took the award for suckiness. At this time I only remember parts but here's the jist. There are a lot of unrelated or seemingly unrelated parts as with any dream, but-well as usual-he disappeared. Joe was gone and Joey and I were doin' OK, moving forward and living. Joey and I actually had a mobile home type place and then had acquired a new smaller home on the same land. We had 4 dogs, and the kitties of course. In my dream-I had worked 3 jobs to make sure we were gonna be OK and we were. We were moving forward and living our lives. Then Joe showed up, I don't remember if I found him or if he just showed up, but I do remember he came back different (as with most of my Joe dreams). I tried to hold back my anger and hurt from him. Well, let me says this first-it took some questioning and detective mindset, but there was a girl name Karrie I believe, and she was speaking for him and he kept saying that she needed to answer any of my questions-"ask Karrie" or "it's up to Karrie" was used a lot. Anyway, what I figured out-and keep in mind-I had to drag this stuff out of him-but he had met this Karrie-before he left me and then disappeared, he swore that he was not "with" her, but it was kinda obvious to me. So he moves back in and Joey was so happy and I was thinking I have him back. But I didn't, he was different, distant, and didn't want to talk-really talk-just was like living. Well, then I find out that he and this Karrie expected to live with us too and then I overheard them talking about having 4 dogs. What got me was the sense of entitlement that they should just be able to be here like nothing had happened. I remember trying to talk to Joe and get through to him that I had worked my ass off for me and Joey to be Ok and that I couldn't support so many-but there was always this emptiness and unwillingness to see the reality (well in my dream ") of the situation. I remember I told him several times that if he wasn't gonna "be here" that he needed to just leave. But he wouldn't. I finally told him that "Karrie" would not be here-I had cleaned out a closet for them-but moved it back. By the time I woke up, he was still distant and I never got an answer, but I had made it very clear that if he wasn't "here" then he needed to go so that Joey wouldn't have to deal with losing him over and over and over again-I couldn't handle him hurting and I also couldn't allow it. I remember wanting so badly for Joe to say that it was always us and he would never leave us, but he didn't and I remember knowing that he wouldn't stay. It hurt so badly to tell him to go so that we wouldn't have to be hurt more and needing him to just take me up and say that he was sorry and he would never hurt us again. But he didn't. I hate to think of how I would have woken up had the dream continued, I'm pretty sure I would have had to make him leave. I remember trying to convince him to "see" Joey and us and to remember what we had and he just didn't seem to get it. I'm beginning to think that mmy feelings will change-over and over and over to so many different things, but that all in all I'll never be able to accept that he died, he didn't disappear, I mean really-how does one actually accept it. I wish in some ways that I would have been able to see him and say goodbye-(I don't think that when people have to go through the seeing them sick before they die thing really understand that they are lucky for having that chance to say goodbye and to be able to connect the person with the death) No, I wouldn't have wanted to see Joe sick or hurt, but I think it would have made more sense and to be able to hold his hand and tell him it's ok and how much I loved him and to say "I'll see you in the future". Just to be able to look at him and know that he was leaving, instead of the disappearance-the just being gone. The way the day was and what happened-the surrealism of the day and night and after. Nothing about this is right, none of it should be real-I mean how can it be? The biggest question though, is How in God's name will it ever be OK that-well just how will it ever be "OK"